"तनाब छ भाई। खाइलाग्दो जागिर छोडेर के के न होला भनेर आइहाल्यो।  अहिले आएर यता न उताको जस्तो पो भयो भाई"

New Year 2020

Every new year comes with new hope, possibilities, dreams. When we are celebrating the new year, we also take a moment to review the past year's achievements and loss. Life is the pendulum of hope and fear. We hope for the betterment of life, progress in the business, promotion in the job, good relation with the family members and friends. We fear for the commitments we could not fulfill, promises we could not keep, the behavior we could not improve. Also, we fear the slithering time like a snake in the bush. We never know how fast and silently time passes leaving a few more wrinkles on our face.
In 2019, I made some commitments to change myself and do something more creative. I had promised to read a few more books, to write a few more pages, to do a few more push-ups, and so on. But when I review the whole year, I could not do the things I promised. However, I read some Nepali, and English fiction and self help books. I wrote blogs on the regular basis. I published some poems and short stories in online literary media. I wrote more in Nepali than in English in my blog. Most of them are left incomplete. I hope I will complete them in 2020.
There were some unexpected ups and Downs come in my life. I was doing good in my job. I had multiple part-time jobs too. I was never satisfied with the jobs I did and always hoped for something better. It has created a sense of anxiety in me. I was restless. I went to Toronto to meet my some friends and got some information about the city as I was thinking to move. After visiting Toronto in March, I was in a state of dilemma. I felt the mental fog with no clear vision ahead. I could not justify either; stay in Edmonton and continue the job no matter how boring it is, or move to Toronto and do something that you really want. But the path ahead was still not clear. The vision of the future was still blurry. However, deep in my mind was the burning fire to change life no matter how challenging it is. I was thinking of starting a business with a partner. I asked Sharda to go back to school. And let's see how life goes further ahead.
When the idea of moving to Toronto planted in the mind, it sprouts out slowly. However, I felt so many mental turmoils during this period. I felt anxiety and stress. I could not sleep many nights. I asked myself multiple times 'am I doing right?' In the deep down in my heart I found the energy pushing me forward. ' go ahead, and take the risk. life is all about the experience. You lose nothing. Then I talked to my friends in Toronto and asked to search the apartment. However, it wasn't easy to get to the apartment on time. And also the rent was high. I was paying just$700 in Edmonton. But the average room rent in Toronto was 1800 to 2000 for a double bedroom apartment. At the same time my brother-in-law Yam Basnet bought the house. I helped him with some dollars to buy the house. I decided to move into his house in the beginning to reduce the extra financial burden. I also asked Raghu to inspect the room as well. When he saw the apartment, he was impressed. It was a decent apartment though it was a basement.
Then I resigned from the job which was the hardest part of my life. I resigned from my full-time job. I arranged for the mover to transport the stuff to Toronto. I sold so many stuff from the marketplace. In August, we moved to Toronto via rail. It was three days journey. It was one of the mesmerizing journeys in my life.
Life became more stressful after moving to Toronto. First, it was a new place unfamiliar like I just moved in from my home country. I have to be familiar with public transportation. New places to explore and new jobs to apply for. I have to apply for a medical card and also a driving license. Chandra Poudyal helped me a lot with shopping. Raghu Dhakal helped me with public transportation. Yam Basnet helped me with groceries. Slowly and slowly we started walking into our normal life. However, the main concern was how to find out a job to make a living. I applied to some of the organizations. I was called for the interview as well from some companies for the post of PSW and merchandiser.  I went for the interview to Value Village for merchandise sorter. Although the interview was good from my point of view, they refused to hire me.
Then my old friend Nanda Ghimire helped me to find a job. I started working in a Bakery named BNC International. The starting pay was 14.50. Although the starting pay was basic, the company gave me 44 hours in a week, which helped me to manage my expense. I worked as a mixture. It was technically a machine operator job. I have to prepare the ingredients known as a formula for different kinds of bread and operate the machine. I have to prepare thirty formulas and operate a machine t make the fine dough. The white flower would be mixed directly from the pipe connected to the reservoir. I have to set the water according to the formula. If the formula requires the whole wheat, I have to lift twenty whole wheat and pour it into the mixing machine manually. This used to happen rarely. I had enough break time and more freedom. Most of the staff would speak the Chinese language and some others speak Ethiopian. There were only a few who could communicate in English. My English was good and I was smarter than the other employees. Another good part of this job was the location. It was closer to my home. I could reach there in fifteen minutes on my bicycle. And approximately thirty minutes on foot. I had no car so that I used to ride on my bike.
Life is full of surprises. We have moments to celebrate. We have moments to love. We have moments to enjoy nature. When we are depressed, there are ways to elevate our souls. However, saying is easier than doing. We can give lessons to people who suffer from anxiety and depression. But we never know we ourselves have become the victim of anxiety. When I was in Edmonton, I realized that I had anxiety. I tried to overcome it by listening to ted talks and youtube videos. I always tried to engage my mind in creative works. When I moved to Toronto, I felt that the level of anxiety slightly increased. I always cheat myself. I made friends. I went for walk. I rode bicycles. But the nights became tougher. I could not sleep properly. Every time I woke up in the middle of the night, I felt like I was scared of something. I was hopeless in finding a good job. I could not set a clear objective role in life. I tried to forget the moment and always concentrate on sleep. I used to recite Hanuman Chalisa. It was very painful. When my friends see me at the work, they always complained about my red eyes. I always gave one or another reason. Insomnia scared me a lot. I went to the doctor and complained about my problem. sent me for a complete body check-up. The result was all negative. My cholesterol, glucose was normal. He also asked me to do an ultrasound to check up on my urinary bladder and prostate. The result was normal. He told me that there is nothing wrong physically. I came home with no cure for my insomnia. Then I watched some youtube videos. I realized that I was the victim of mild depression. I knew how to overcome from it. Then I started doing some yogas and pranayama in the morning, made good friends, and develop positive habits. In the night, I tried to edge negative thinking fully focused on the Hanuman Chalisa. Then I increased my sleep hour by at least six hours. I know that my body type requires six-hour sleep which keeps me fresh the next day. I am still working on it and getting better.
For the year 2020, I have some plans to go ahead in my life. I have discussed with friends to open up a Restaurant business though small at the beginning. We have long-term plans to extend business if everything goes right. I have also decided to send Sharda back to school in September. I hope everything goes well. Life is full of uncertainties. We have dreams, hopes, and plans. We work on it day and night. However, we have no control over it. We try to control our destiny. But we can not. Let's hope for the good to come. May the new year make me stronger, smarter, and healthier.